I don't need to scratch my head and search my soul to figure out whether God created the universe. I was there. I saw the whole thing.
God didn't create the universe. Well, He did, but not intentionally. God just wanted a beer. But you can't just create a beer floating in the middle of the void -- there's nothing satisfying about it. It would be like a book written by an illiterate person -- sure, he could put lots of black squiggles onto a bundle of pages that would vaguely look like a book, but it wouldn't mean anything.
So for a proper beer, God pretty much had to make up physics. I'm not just talking about the refinements needed to get it to foam just right -- I'm talking about the whole deal. After you drink some, there should be less left over, not more. Drinking a beer should not make you turn into beer yourself. Beers should not be smarter than the drinker. Well, not the first few, at least. The state of drinking beer needs to contrast with something, so the state of not drinking beer must also exist. In fact, that's where most of the world came from, because having the world exist in only two states (currently drinking beer/currently not drinking beer) just seemed too lame to a clever guy like God. Same idea for water and other liquids -- if He can drink beer, He really ought to be able to drink not-beer, just so He can say He chose the beer instead.
And then there's the whole question of origins. A beer is so much less interesting if it creates itself or just spontaneously comes into existence. A truly full-bodied beer needs a background, a character, a story. God went a little crazy with that, inventing those 'human' things with enough cleverness to invent stuff, curiousity to try things out, and a desperate need to get sloshed, smashed, trashed, and basically totally drucking funk. And all that cleverness and curiousity necessitated science. And dinosaur fossils. And religion. (God got a real kick when he realized he'd have to invent religion, I remember. Of course, he wasn't exactly sober by that time...)
Oh, and you know that bit about "...and on the 7th day He rested?" Purely an excuse to keep us from bothering Him during His hangover. We're still on the 7th day, see. I'm not even sure if He thought far enough ahead to make an 8th day. He was having some trouble with the notion of Time, and I recall Him saying something like "aw, screw it. Nobody's going to be drinking any beer at the speed of light anyway. I'll see you later -- I'm gonna go get wasted."
Every truly faithful person knows that God was trying to create wine, and that when the perfect wine is created, God will drink it, be satisfied, and the universe will end.
However, as scripture teaches us, God's kid brother, Satan, was goofing around with early yeast prototypes while God wasn't looking and accidentally created beer.
The problem with beer is that it takes less time to brew than wine. This led to a problem. The finest vine-growing areas on the planet are in Australia and South Africa. Satan tempted the fine people of these areas with beer. The results are well-documented. Wine production has been delayed by centuries.
For the True Rapture to take place, Australians and South Africans must be kept away from beer long enough for them to get the wine right. They are so close to perfection.
That's why the truly religious mission is so hard. I have chosen to follow the One True Path.
I'm ridding the world of beer, one pint at a time.
Many people ask "Do our lives have a purpose? If so, then what is the purpose of our lives?" Well, the answer is yes, our lives have purpose. Their purpose is to help somebody (i.e., God) solve a problem (e.g., God wants a beer).
You see, at a very basic level, our Universe is a big digital computer running something like a cellular automaton. It's actually quite simple. He chose simple rules and some initial seed state that would make our future unpredictable, yet deterministic. The apparent randomness of quantum mechanics isn't exactly random, only unpredictable by us. The probability density functions that pop up in quantum mechanics are actually deterministic at a more basic level. A complete specification of the basic rules and initial state for our universe could be written on a single piece of paper, and will lead to the "laws of physics" that we observe. I won't write them here though, since slashdot's html formating rules might mess them up.
Also, you may find it interesting that God cannot predict the future, even though it is deterministic. The only way to determine the future is to run the universe program on God's computer. There is no shortcut, not even for God. That's why we exist. In order for Him to solve His problem, He must let the universe program run its course on His computer. God didn't actually know that our universe would lead to beer a priori. However, beer sure was a nice side effect!
I saw the whole thing (Score:5, Funny)
God didn't create the universe. Well, He did, but not intentionally. God just wanted a beer. But you can't just create a beer floating in the middle of the void -- there's nothing satisfying about it. It would be like a book written by an illiterate person -- sure, he could put lots of black squiggles onto a bundle of pages that would vaguely look like a book, but it wouldn't mean anything.
So for a proper beer, God pretty much had to make up physics. I'm not just talking about the refinements needed to get it to foam just right -- I'm talking about the whole deal. After you drink some, there should be less left over, not more. Drinking a beer should not make you turn into beer yourself. Beers should not be smarter than the drinker. Well, not the first few, at least. The state of drinking beer needs to contrast with something, so the state of not drinking beer must also exist. In fact, that's where most of the world came from, because having the world exist in only two states (currently drinking beer/currently not drinking beer) just seemed too lame to a clever guy like God. Same idea for water and other liquids -- if He can drink beer, He really ought to be able to drink not-beer, just so He can say He chose the beer instead.
And then there's the whole question of origins. A beer is so much less interesting if it creates itself or just spontaneously comes into existence. A truly full-bodied beer needs a background, a character, a story. God went a little crazy with that, inventing those 'human' things with enough cleverness to invent stuff, curiousity to try things out, and a desperate need to get sloshed, smashed, trashed, and basically totally drucking funk. And all that cleverness and curiousity necessitated science. And dinosaur fossils. And religion. (God got a real kick when he realized he'd have to invent religion, I remember. Of course, he wasn't exactly sober by that time...)
Oh, and you know that bit about "...and on the 7th day He rested?" Purely an excuse to keep us from bothering Him during His hangover. We're still on the 7th day, see. I'm not even sure if He thought far enough ahead to make an 8th day. He was having some trouble with the notion of Time, and I recall Him saying something like "aw, screw it. Nobody's going to be drinking any beer at the speed of light anyway. I'll see you later -- I'm gonna go get wasted."
Heresy! You are damned! (Score:2, Funny)
However, as scripture teaches us, God's kid brother, Satan, was goofing around with early yeast prototypes while God wasn't looking and accidentally created beer.
The problem with beer is that it takes less time to brew than wine. This led to a problem. The finest vine-growing areas on the planet are in Australia and South Africa. Satan tempted the fine people of these areas with beer. The results are well-documented. Wine production has been delayed by centuries.
For the True Rapture to take place, Australians and South Africans must be kept away from beer long enough for them to get the wine right. They are so close to perfection.
That's why the truly religious mission is so hard. I have chosen to follow the One True Path.
I'm ridding the world of beer, one pint at a time.
Re:I saw the whole thing (Score:1, Insightful)
Many people ask "Do our lives have a purpose? If so, then what is the purpose of our lives?" Well, the answer is yes, our lives have purpose. Their purpose is to help somebody (i.e., God) solve a problem (e.g., God wants a beer).
You see, at a very basic level, our Universe is a big digital computer running something like a cellular automaton. It's actually quite simple. He chose simple rules and some initial seed state that would make our future unpredictable, yet deterministic. The apparent randomness of quantum mechanics isn't exactly random, only unpredictable by us. The probability density functions that pop up in quantum mechanics are actually deterministic at a more basic level. A complete specification of the basic rules and initial state for our universe could be written on a single piece of paper, and will lead to the "laws of physics" that we observe. I won't write them here though, since slashdot's html formating rules might mess them up.
Also, you may find it interesting that God cannot predict the future, even though it is deterministic. The only way to determine the future is to run the universe program on God's computer. There is no shortcut, not even for God. That's why we exist. In order for Him to solve His problem, He must let the universe program run its course on His computer. God didn't actually know that our universe would lead to beer a priori. However, beer sure was a nice side effect!
Re:I saw the whole thing (Score:1)
The One Commandment:
God Needs Booze